Adapting Mom's First Blog!

I chose the names Adapted Heart, and Adapting Mom, because it's the core of who I am. I have 2 neurodivergent children who each have totally different strengths and struggles, and need different adaptations to help them learn, grow, and thrive!

My parenting style is gentle yet firm. Children need strong boundaries that are predictable, but we don't have to be harsh and overly punitive to enforce them.

I also firmly believe in setting developmentally appropriate boundaries as well. We can run after a 2 year old, and chase, and yell, and place them in time out to get them to leave our breakables alone. Or, we can just pack them away until they're a bit older and more capable of understanding why they shouldn't play with them. (We pack away the breakables, not the children. Do not pack away your children. That is bad.) We can pull them off the bookcase, yell, scream, and place them in time out over and over again. Or, we can just move the bookcase until the child is older and more capable of understanding the danger of the bookcase falling on them. Many behaviors are developmentally normal. If you adapt around them to give them less opportunity to "misbehave," they'll grow into a child who understands why they shouldn't do those things - and that's when we can start bringing those things back with a real hope of our kids behaving safely around them. Adapting around our children's development, instead of trying to force them to adapt in a way they are not ready for, saves us so much time, energy, and stress! Just think of how much better it is for them!

I've raised my teenager following this heart-centered, developmentally mindful approach. I am often told how "lucky" I am to have such a wonderful teenager. Truthfully, she IS wonderful. I feel lucky, blessed, and incredibly grateful for her. But it's not just luck. I put in the work when she was young - and to be clear, the work is on ourselves. It's WORK staying calm and patient when our littles are so wound up that we can't even hear our own thoughts over their racket. It's WORK to refrain from yelling when they got into something and made a huge mess during the 45 seconds you were in the bathroom just trying to pee. Many people called me "lazy" for not hitting her, or yelling at her when she did those things. But, I wasn't being lazy. I was working to be the parent she needed me to be. I was working to stay mindful of what she was developmentally capable of. I was working to adapt to she needed. We have to parent the child in front of us, not the made up version of what people think a child should be.

There's no one-size-fits-all developmental guide to what all children are capable of at any specific age. So here's the big secret: Ask yourself "Is this child capable of understanding ______ from ______ right now?" Let your answer guide you to making the right decisions and adaptations for your child. "Is my 2 year old truly capable of understanding what is breakable from what is safe to play with?" "Is my 1 year old capable of understanding the danger of the bookcase falling on him?" "Is my toddler capable of understanding the dangers of running out in the street?" Your answer should be based on what you have observed from your own child, not based on what some other child can do. When your answer is "No, my child is not yet capable of understanding this," then my question to you is this: Why would we punish a child for not being capable of something?

When we punish a child because they're not capable of understanding something, we're not teaching them to be capable. We're teaching them to be fearful of us. Of course, this doesn't mean we don't intervene when they're doing something they shouldn't be doing. We can talk to them about why it's not okay. We can redirect them to other activities. We can adapt the environment to eliminate the temptations. As they grow up, they will make more and more good/safe decisions because they understand wrong from right. And suddenly, you go from the "lazy" parent, to the "everyone wants to know your secret" parent.

I started this site upon numerous requests from people of all walks of life. Join me as I continue my motherhood journey with my barely 3 year old and my teenager.